One of the things that I have not done in far too long… is write. For reasons that either sound too silly or sound too pretentious, I have not made time to write.
Actually, that’s a lie. I just didn’t want to anymore. At least not for a while. I wanted to live my life. To be present and engaged and all the other words the cool kids are saying. So I did. I have lived and laughed and loved and been on dates and felt feelings I forgot I could feel. It’s all magical, except not actually magical.
But something clicked in my head the other day and I had the urge to write. Not feel profound so much as just write what’s on my heart.
The only thing I know to write about has been the exciting season I’ve been in for about the last eight months.
But before I can tell you how awesome this season has been, I need to talk about the nine months prior.
Last January, I felt God telling me to do something. While I know better, I disobeyed. I argued with God. I neither listened nor acted. I was a sullen teenager to God who has proved Himself over and over again although He does not have to do that. Flat out, I just did not want to do what He was telling me to do. And the festering began.
Disobeying God in any shape or form comes with consequences. For me… I can best describe what I felt as being toxic. Spiritually toxic. I wanted to go to church and dreaded it in the same breath. I found myself, silly as it sounds, just wanting to punch people. (For the record, I have never hit anyone in my life, save one guy that tried to kiss me. He’s happily married with 3 kids. I lose.) I digress. The smallest things annoyed me. Compounded on my disobedience, I was actively telling God that I didn’t want to do what he was telling me to do because I couldn’t see any good for me in the process. (HOW SELFISH IS THAT? I AM DUMB.) So, I fought him for nine months. I wish that my toxicity was limited to just time at church, but of course it wasn’t. It bubbled over into work. Into friends. It tainted relationships. One Wednesday night in mid-August, it got ugly, and for the first time… I really started to see the dark. The ugly. The festering.
And for one last month, I told God no. I was gonna do it my way. (Which has worked out so well, right?? Good grief.) I wrestled and prayed and cried. I didn’t want to be obedient.
I am not too proud to say that my humanity is frail, weak, and pretty stupid.
So one Friday in September, I heard the Lord (not audible) tell me to stop running and listen. And I did. I resigned in my heart that I could not keep on keeping on. Mostly because I was going to decimate all the good things in my life.
And for a moment, all hell broke loose. Things got ugly. My step-brother was hospitalized in a coma. The state was asking me to adopt the kiddos. I felt alone.
But right in the middle of the chaos, God gave me a Ezra 9:8 moment. A peg in the wall.
Mid-January I was talking with a very close friend. In the middle of our conversation, I realized that all those feelings I was having about church – they were gone. Like gone-gone. Like “I didn’t know they could disappear so fast” kind of gone. It was crazy. Billy was dead. I was out of the kiddos lives. Everything was upside-down and awesome all at the same time.
But a very seismic shift had occurred.
And then I went on a date with this guy and felt feelings and it was weird because I forgot I could feel them and wait my heart isn‘t broken and I’m not hideous and all these things. LOTS OF FEELINGS. And yes that giant run-on sentence was exactly how I felt. And whatever clicked in my head caused me to grow a backbone where I’d been spineless.
And then crazy stuff started happening at work. It was WILD.
In the last six months, I have seen grace in a way that I have never seen in my 36 years. And because I’m at a loss for words… It has honestly been the coolest thing ever. Specifically over the last three weeks, I have been reminded daily that grace is amazing. And scandalous. And mind-boggling. And too big for my finite brain to understand. And I’m good with that.
And I’m so excited to see what’s coming next!