More often than I ever share, I hate being weak. I can’t really explain what happened to my brain around the age of 19-20, but something fractured for me, and there are things about me, burdens that I carry that I will keep tight to the vest.
The last few months, I have cried myself to sleep with regularity. And it sucks. It is hard to carry a burden that you can’t do anything but cry out to God about. (Sidenote: this is the part of being single that COMPLETELY BLOWS and any married person who tells me otherwise deserves to publicly apologize to their spouse for basically being a douche bag. And YES, I said it.) I have cried out to God A LOT. I have begged, I have pleaded, I have praised, I have prayed. I have sought more earnestly and more fervor than I think I ever have in my life. I had a thought the other day while I was thinking about how I’ve prayed more this year that, it’s supposed to be that way. Each year will force you to dig deeper into Jesus. To want to be completely enveloped in the grace, not as some divine Calgon, but because you know it’s the only place of peace.
And since I’m just being ridiculously transparent, I don’t burden my friends with this because I honestly doubt that they’ll be praying for me.
I have lots of night where the magnitude of what I carry feels like an elephant on my chest.
And what triggered my random crying spell at work today was something really stupid. My brother is having a hard time finding NYC lotto tickets, which is part of our Christmas tradition. And then I got the wind knocked out of my thinking about all of the changes that this Christmas will bring, and TEARS.
The kind of tears you can’t fight off.
The kind of tears that burn and sting and are full.
Because they’re heavy with a burden.
The only thing I can do is pray for a deep breath and cling to God’s promises. He is Good. He is FOR ME. HE HAS NEVER ONCE FAILED ME. AND I CHOSE TO TRUST HIM A LONG TIME AGO, even with my broken, hot mess life.I will bless the Lord at all times. My lungs will expand with His Praise. Psalm 34:1 MSG
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