:: grace ::

One of the things that I have not done in far too long… is write.  For reasons that either sound too silly or sound too pretentious, I have not made time to write.

Actually, that’s a lie.  I just didn’t want to anymore.  At least not for a while.  I wanted to live my life.  To be present and engaged and all the other words the cool kids are saying.  So I did.  I have lived and laughed and loved and been on dates and felt feelings I forgot I could feel.  It’s all magical, except not actually magical.

But something clicked in my head the other day and I had the urge to write.  Not feel profound so much as just write what’s on my heart. 

The only thing I know to write about has been the exciting season I’ve been in for about the last eight months.

But before I can tell you how awesome this season has been, I need to talk about the nine months prior.

Last January, I felt God telling me to do something.  While I know better, I disobeyed.  I argued with God.  I neither listened nor acted.  I was a sullen teenager to God who has proved Himself over and over again although He does not have to do that.  Flat out, I just did not want to do what He was telling me to do. And the festering began. 

Disobeying God in any shape or form comes with consequences.  For me… I can best describe what I felt as being toxic.  Spiritually toxic.  I wanted to go to church and dreaded it in the same breath.  I found myself, silly as it sounds, just wanting to punch people.  (For the record, I have never hit anyone in my life, save one guy that tried to kiss me.  He’s happily married with 3 kids.  I lose.)  I digress.  The smallest things annoyed me.  Compounded on my disobedience, I was actively telling God that I didn’t want to do what he was telling me to do because I couldn’t see any good for me in the process. (HOW SELFISH IS THAT? I AM DUMB.)  So, I fought him for nine months.  I wish that my toxicity was limited to just time at church, but of course it wasn’t.  It bubbled over into work.  Into friends.  It tainted relationships.  One Wednesday night in mid-August, it got ugly, and for the first time… I really started to see the dark.  The ugly.  The festering.  

And for one last month, I told God no.  I was gonna do it my way.  (Which has worked out so well, right?? Good grief.) I wrestled and prayed and cried.  I didn’t want to be obedient.

I am not too proud to say that my humanity is frail, weak, and pretty stupid.

So one Friday in September, I heard the Lord (not audible) tell me to stop running and listen.  And I did.  I resigned in my heart that I could not keep on keeping on.  Mostly because I was going to decimate all the good things in my life.

And for a moment, all hell broke loose.  Things got ugly. My step-brother was hospitalized in a coma. The state was asking me to adopt the kiddos.  I felt alone. 

But right in the middle of the chaos, God gave me a Ezra 9:8 moment.  A peg in the wall.

Mid-January I was talking with a very close friend.  In the middle of our conversation, I realized that all those feelings I was having about church – they were gone.  Like gone-gone.  Like “I didn’t know they could disappear so fast” kind of gone. It was crazy.  Billy was dead.  I was out of the kiddos lives. Everything was upside-down and awesome all at the same time. 

But a very seismic shift had occurred.   

And then I went on a date with this guy and felt feelings and it was weird because I forgot I could feel them and wait my heart isn‘t broken and I’m not hideous and all these things.  LOTS OF FEELINGS.  And yes that giant run-on sentence was exactly how I felt.  And whatever clicked in my head caused me to grow a backbone where I’d been spineless.

And then crazy stuff started happening at work.  It was WILD.

In the last six months, I have seen grace in a way that I have never seen in my 36 years.  And because I’m at a loss for words… It has honestly been the coolest thing ever.  Specifically over the last three weeks, I have been reminded daily that grace is amazing. And scandalous.  And mind-boggling.  And too big for my finite brain to understand. And I’m good with that.

And I’m so excited to see what’s coming next! 

xoxo,

Jenn

:: footballs and afros ::

I’m not going to lie… I am EX.HUAS.TED as I type this.

The last few days have been so busy, but so much fun.  Friday night, I went to a nail-biter of a football game.  A family from church has two boys that played for one of the local teams (one a freshman, the other a senior).  As such, I’ve become an honorary member of the family attending most of the games this season. We were the visiting team (they played another local rival), and coupled with the drop in temperatures that our area has seen lately, we were all chilly and anxious.  The team played a less than steller first half, but came out of the locker room with a vengeance an in the last minute of the game, they took the lead.  Sadly, the defense couldn’t hold off the other team, and we lost in the last five seconds of the game.  

(The upside and probably completely unimportant detail to note is that because of the wins/losses of locals teams, three teams  -- including the two from Friday night – were forced to play this weird little Monday play-off game.  Our team came out the winner and now advance to region playoff.) It is important to note that this is the first time in 28 YEARS that this team has been more than 5-X in wins and regional playoff berth.  So exciting!

Saturday was my college homecoming and sorority’s 50^th Celebration weekend. The older I get, I have anxiety about these kinds of events. I am generally excited until the day of then I’m covered in dread worrying about pettiness between old college acquaintances.  Sometimes my 35-year old anxiety resembles my 21-year old anxiety; it’s so attractive.  Sweetly enough, I had a good time.  My little group of girls had good seats and we managed to get tickled even during the most important parts of the dinner.  Thank you Lord for laughter!  Plus, it was really good to see some people, including a tap sister that I haven’t seen in nine years.  

Sunday, I headed back up to Cleveland for a reunion breakfast with friends.  This was the event I was most looking forward too.  We had a blast at breakfast for nearly two hours.  Good food and sweet friends are the perfect combination. 

Monday was work and while it wasn’t boring, it was work.  Last night after work, I picked up the girls to take them home.  Turns out they had a school event at one of the local McDonald’s.  They called it McTeacher’s night.  I will heretofore refer to it as: McWasteofMyTime.   There was a little Dia de Los Muertos face painting, balloon animals, and sundaes. Basically I saw a bunch of short people painted as skeletons carrying drippy ice cream sundaes holding balloon swords. BLESS.

The girls and I went home, ate dinner, and then made some paper turkeys.  I asked the girls what they were thankful for and Lyric gave me 47 things.  I’m not sure Lanaya even answered the question, but based on the colorful turkey feathers, I think she was thankful mostly for markers.  (Good choice!)

After bath time, I was picking out the girls hair.  Lyric has this MASSIVE fro for a six-year old, but it’s beautiful.  Sadly, her family doesn’t think so and they tell her often.  I told her that God gave her special hair, just for her, and that it was beautiful. 

I am just as guilty as anyone for letting the negativity around me skew the image I see in the mirror – to drive me to believe that I’m not enough in different areas of my life. Seeing her have this insecurity as six hurts my heart.  Jesus be.

xoxo,

Jenn

:: hustle ::

Truth: I have totally sucked at blogging this year.

Thankfully, no one is really left to have expectations for me to exceed or miss.  And for that, I am thankful.

This has been the craziest last few weeks.  My step-brother was arrested and hospitalized in Savannah back in September.  For reasons that don't matter here, my family was on death watch up until last Sunday.  Billy died peacefully, with dignity. Dignity was something he never really cared for, or at least his actions never showed it.  I'm thankful that in his final days he had it.  Serenity. Calm.  The knowledge of knowing that he was loved and that his life was not in vain.  Rest in peace.

On top of that, the situation with the kiddos has escalated and DFCS is involved.  They will most likely be moved to a foster home within the next 30 days.  I am sad, but I have peace about it.  I have invested so much in those kids.  I cannot understand why their mother won't do the basic things she needs to do, but it's not in my control, so I have to go with the flow.

Several weeks back, I stopped working with the students at church.  I had prayed about the situation for MONTHS and very sweetly one Thursday, felt the Holy Spirit tell me that it was time and give me peace about the situation.  I miss those kids, but I know that I could not have endured the last several weeks with that on my plate.  Just another one of those moments where I am thankful for God's timing.

Then there's having to defend one of my chromosomes.  Another story for another day.

xoxo,

decisions

These little boogers have been in my life for about three and a half years. We have had a LOT of funny experiences. Lots of laughs, silly giggles, sweet hugs, and bunches of I love you's. 

But with each passing month, something new happens that makes me question why I didn't call DFCS three years ago. 

I am constantly torn between completely turning over their lives or just walking away. Both make me terribly sad. 

I wish that I knew what to do... 

truth

Today, I'm choosing to be better than yesterday. To learn from my mistakes. Acknowledge where I fall short and make better choices. 

Breathe. Stretch. Shake. 

It's a new day. 

xoxo,

Jenn

words

Somehow, I've let seven months slip by. So, there's that. 

It occurred to me a few weeks back that I've been blogging since 2005. Nine years. I should probably deduct 2013, but I shan't. 

So much has happened this year. 

I BOUGHT A HOUSE!

It's crazy and lovely and I get to call it my own. I am so thankful. God is SO good and my family was amazing.  My brother flew down, and in what I can think of as a genuine labor of love, helped me paint the blue mayhem into cozy and serene. 

Even with all the goodness, this year has been difficult. 

I also find myself overwhelmed emotionally, more so than in the past. My fuse is shorter and more stern. The reclusive side that I've tried to hide is pushing to come out.

Growing pains.

This weekend, I get to recharge my soul with people I love dearly. 

And so I continue to pray that this season, necessary as it may be, passes quickly. 

xoxo,

Jenn

hello.

I didn’t mean for a year to go by.

I’m not sorry the time has passed, because the last twelve months have been oh-so-full of interesting and not-so-interesting things.  Life has been busy.

I’m another year older, and by my assessment, slightly wiser.  I’m still working on paying off debt, getting one day closer at a time.  I still see my little friend Nene (now daily), as I take her to preschool.  On our quick trip from her grandmother’s house to Pre-k, we recite the alphabet, and numbers, and directions, and the like. I’m in the early stages of buying a house.  Mostly saving that last little bit that I need to make all the regulatory requirements for a down payment.  I had to move this summer because the crazy landlady is, well crazy.  The little row where my condo is, is now full of new people who do not understand the concept of minimal, and marked parking.  There may have been a few incidents where I educated the neighbors. They may now think I’m the resident crazy lady.  Surprisingly, I’m less bothered by that than you would think.

2013 was hard.  I got more jaded than I already thought I was.  Hurt from places and people that I did not expect.  Friends and relationships changed. Ebb and flow. 

Writing this is not as fluid as the constant internal dialogue would have led me to believe.  I am rusty writing down what I’ve been reciting in my head.  Hopefully this will get easier.

Insert adage about riding a bike.

xoxo,

Jenn

exposé.

Recently, I finished a book.  For me, and maybe only me, there is something deep inside that inspires me to write.  I would also like to assume that, based on my lack of writing, it’s obvious that I haven’t read anything lately.  Life, it happens.

The subject matter, ultimately a story of coming clean, only drives why I think I need to write.  To be vulnerable.  To be honest, even at the prospect of not getting any response in return.  I have a date.  And I’m terrified.  I think I’ve finally hit that place where I’m equally as terrified to move forward as I am terrified that I’m going to stay in a state of permanent singleness.   It’s the relational version of Schrodinger’s cat.  (Five points if you can tell where I referenced that from.) 

I took an entire year (May 31, 2011 – May 31, 2012) where I took dating completely off the table.  For the first time in my life, I genuinely put it aside, completely acknowledging that there is more that I want God to do in me and through me.  To be alone with just Him.  At first it was easy.  A sweet peace.  Until a guy crept in.  And flirted.  And flirted so shamelessly that friends pulled me aside in bathrooms and pointed out that He. Flirted.  It was all very Saved by the Bell.  Except that I’m the girl that falls hard and fast and can’t move on. But of course, he can, and did. (Without a doubt, this is a perfect time to mention that he moved on by trying to ask out not one, but TWO of my friends.  You are not as smooth as you think, Rico Suave. Girls talk.) And so I tried to regain my focus.  And repent and just love on Jesus.  And my year ended, just as seamlessly as it had begun. 

And here I am, two months post commitment.  A boy asked for my number. (I shudder.)  He calls.  (I am so terrified that I contemplate throwing up or showering instead of listening to the voicemail.)  I listen to the voicemail.  (I also take a shower.)  I call back.  I am judgmental of him based on what I heard.  He asks me out.  I say yes, with only hesitation in my head not my voice.  I am completely freaking out. (Present tense intentional.)

I do not have an inflated image of who I am.  I know I struggle with a gaggle of insecurities that would baffle most men, including all of my friends.  I work tirelessly to hide them, only showing them when I have to, when the cracks are so large in my heart that I can’t hide them, or at least can’t hide them all.

I pray and I hope and I dream, but when I am presented with reality, with this reality, I can’t help but find my stomach in my throat and my knees shaking.  Singleness is safe.  Saying you want something and actually pursuing it are two completely different things. 

What I know (and MUST accept) is that I have doled out enough advice that it’s time for me to shut up and listen to those who love me.  Who will pour into me the same way I have poured into them -- with love and respect for their advice. 

I have no idea what sharing this means.  It’s just me being vulnerable.   I guess this also probably means that I should keep you posted.

Over and out.

Jenn

... On my iTunes...

I’ve not really posted a play list in almost a year.  Music is still KEY to me!  Right now, my heart is happy and the songs I’m listening to (I hope!) reflect that!  Here is my current playlist:
We Are Young – Glee Cast – I’m totally addicted to this song!
We Belong – Pat Benetar – I’m a sap.  I will not apologize for it either.  This is a classic!
I’m Not That Girl – Wicked Soundtrack – This song resonates with me for reasons I can’t articulate yet, but still – LOVE.
A Drop In The Ocean – Javier Colon – such a beautiful song.
Not Over You – Gavin DeGraw – for the single heart. I adore!
The Only One – Joel Piper – This song just makes me happy.
Lessons In Love – Fire & Ice w/ Kaskade – this is one of my new favorite running songs.  Gets my heart racing!
Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People – this is not new, but I can’t bring myself to take it out of my active play list.
Faster – Matt Nathanson – (I never said these were all appropriate), but I still love this song.  And Matt. J
I Can’t Make You Love Me – Bon Iver – this song is so hauntingly beautiful that it made me cry the first 20 times I listened to it.  It’s a cover, but still… wow.
We Found Love – Glee Cast – I’m a sap.  What more can I say? J
New York – Snow Patrol – I’ve been an open Snow Patrol hater for a while, but this song… just something about it.  Repeat and repeat again.
Dark Blue – Jack’s Mannequin – this song makes me want to run a marathon.
Hold Me Together – Royal Tailor – I still can’t remember how I found this song, but I absolutely love it.

2012 Word

2012 Word.  
I could give you a litany of excuses as to why I haven’t posted this already, but it has more to do with what I’m posting than anything.  :)
My 2011 word was intentional.  Although I mentioned this earlier, it’s important for me to write again, that I could have never imagined living out last year’s word like I did.  If I had any idea how intentional my year would be, I don’t know that I would have meditated and prayed on that word!  I’m kidding.
Honestly, there were (and truthfully still are) some fractured relationships in my life.  I want to heal those, but I don’t know how.  But last year I was able to mend a few of those, not to the same level as before the fissure, but to a new level of respect. I actually like that better too!
For the relationships that are the most precious to me, I tried to be and am still working to be more intentional with those friends. I will still fall short, but instead of beating myself up and being fearful, I’m learning to own it.
What I hope to do, is not forget integrating intentional-ness into my relationships, but to add with it this year’s word:
Balance.
I firmly believe this is the word that scares me the most because it’s so hard to achieve.  My prayer is that, through 2012, I learn exactly what balance is and am conscientious that balance in my life doesn’t look like balance in the lives of others.  I do not walk in your shoes, and holding myself to any standards other than me is unfair and ridiculous.
Here is my hope and prayer:
Finding balance in my heart and mind.  Remembering that 18 inches is the most critical and if my heart and mind aren’t in line, nothing else will be.
Finding balance in my emotions.  As a woman I feel like one of my greatest struggles is always “feeling”.  It’s exhausting and I want to find balance (or maybe accountability?) in putting my emotions in check, primarily in scripture.  God’s word is the BEST place to find balance for all my feeings!
Finding balance in my daily routine.  I struggle with this so bad!  I know that’s silly to share, but years of living alone is not cultivating the good habits I want to exhibit.
Finding balance at work.  I’ve historically been all over the place in most areas of my life, but I’m really seeing the magnitude of finding balance at work.  I spend most of my week with these people.  I love them, but I need balance in cultivating relationship as well as getting things done.  Balance in this area really looks like I need to realign my pyramid into God, ME, Family, Work, Other – instead of it’s present order.
Finding balance in health.  I still haven’t blogged about my health issues, so I’ll be brief.  Around Thanksgiving, I had some blood work done.  My dr. gave me a diagnosis as to why I’ve gained some significant weight over the last four years.  Things in my body have been broke, and while I shouldn’t praise God for that, I’m thankful for HIS touch on my physician, and that she caught it.  The result is that I’ve lost 20 pounds in the last month.  I feel SO MUCH Better!  But now with this diagnosis, I have a long way  to go, but I see the light!  I think it’s time to put on my running shoes again.
Instead of focusing on every single area to find balance, I’m going to stop here.  I think that’s where balance starts.  It’s one foot in front of the other, with God at the beginning.
Here goes!!!
Xoxo,
Jenn

personal care.

I feel like I need to be light-hearted.  I went back and read the last few posts, and it appears that I have lost my funny bone!  (This is totally not the case.  I make ME laugh daily, and either my coworkers are just kind, or they're laughing along with me too.)

But I'm sitting here trying to think of something that is funny, and I can think about is what happened yesterday.

I am intrigued, on a regular basis, at things we do as women, to "maintain".  Regular visits, shaving, tweezing, straightening, bleaching, frosting, texturizing, shadowing, layering, coordinating, and accessorizing – all in an effort to impress somebody else, or the collective somebody's.  And sometimes, we do it because it's just the thing we're supposed to do.

(Warning – this may be TMI – you've been advised.)

Yesterday was a Girlie Doctor Visit day.  I would honestly rather be SHOT AT than endure that visit even though it only takes like 3 minutes.  Yes, I realize that most of it is preventative, but still.  BLECH.  I put it off as long as I can.  

I feel like a woman's body (especially her intimate parts) is a roadmap of sorts.  Some girls are the Indy 500 track.  A few are the Autobahn.  Some of us are drying up like a pathway through the Sahara. Some of us are surrounded by terrible landscaping.  And some of us need to be repaved.

 And maybe I'm a weirdo, but I don't like everybody seeing my roadmap, you know?

Plus, I always get tickled when I have to visit this Dr.  I mean, where else (besides a family holiday gathering) can all your failures in life be condensed into one room?  Oh you're single? (As you're being started at the by the young guy across the room.)  Oh you're childless? (As the very pregnant lady across the aisle eyes you like a holiday turkey.)  (In her defense, sometimes it's hard to tell if her expression is pity or envy.  Totally depends on the size of the ankles and her levels of morning sickness.)  Oh, you're really childless? (Silently says the pregnant mother while her three kids under 4 run around the waiting room like banshees.)  THEN… when you walk into the actual room, the nurse will ask you a litany of questions that are a balance between "Are you a whore ?" or "I've never met a 30-year old virgin ".

And to think… most of us do this under the guise of preventative care.  I don't want any type of cancer and so I know it's good, and should be necessary.  But I can't help but laugh hysterically at the set up of it all.

That is until the nice doctor accidentally pokes my cervix so hard that I fly off the table.  Dear Really Nice Dr that I will visit again, my cervix should not be mistaken for a dart board at a pool hall.  Thanks.

Good times I tell ya'… good times.

renew.

What an interesting month October has been!!!  Because my blogging has been so inconsistent, I have not captured all the things that started this year, and strangely changed in October.


In July, I got so overwhelmed that my body freaked out on me.  Stress manifested itself in a new way, and I got thrown a curve ball.  I spent the month of August trying to reign things in.


Some of those things are things I've been transparent about.  I don't even want to be one of those people that writes, but writes from a hypocritical perspective.  I have started to write, and promptly deleted posts after getting in, and realizing that I was preaching to the choir.


I've had issues with money as far back as I can remember.  Some people are gifted savers.  I am not.  I struggle with finances on such a ridiculous level.  I've had some amazing seasons of my life where I get out of credit card debt, but only after I become deliberate daily about staying on top of things.  This summer has not been one of those seasons!  But I am determined to get things back on track.


Lately, my friends have been nicknaming months -- Janky July, Snatchy September, Oh-no-You-Didn't October.  It's funny only because it's been indicative of the month.




But I?  I am taking November as New November. 


One of my favorite scriptures, and one commonly referred to at the beginning of the year is: 


"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:18-19


So, I'm taking November as new.  I'm going to do some NEW things... like be extra aware of my finances and my relationships and my weight.  I'm reminding myself daily to reNew my mind, but focusing on good things, God's word, and prayer.  


And I challenge you to do the same.


In three weeks, many of us will sit down at our collective tables and reminisce about what we're thankful for...   while I have so many things to be thankful for, I want more.  I want New.  I don't want to waste any time anticipating the new year, I want to blast through the remainder of this year with a renewed energy and zest for life.  :)


Out with the old October... in with the New November.


xoxo,
Jenn

changed.

I had a run-in with my past a few weeks ago.

I do not mean that I sat down and reflected on my past.  I mean, I actually had to be in the same room with him for the first time in years.  It was very strange.

For a fleeting moment, I thought about how well I knew that person.  And then I occurred to me that I know so little about who that man is today, and how little he knows about me.

It took me a long time to stop thinking about him.  As women (in this type of circumstance), one of the hardest things to get over is thinking that we are forgettable.  Especially when it comes to people we love, either platonically or romantically -- as though the impression (I've made) was a complete waste of time.  

When my world fell apart five years ago, I (mostly) opted for silence, except to those closest to me.  I did blog a little but never in a way that I felt gave me any kind of closure.  (For the record, closure – and the wanting thereof – is dumb.)  I was broken and hurt, but in a different way.  I was angry.  A few months later, he emailed me and I had a chance to speak my mind if for nothing else, but to take away the fear and the shame. I no longer had to be afraid of this person.  They'd made a choice that I didn't want, but had to live with anyway.

When you are 2:2 in relationships, you have to determine that You are the common denominator.  Admitting that to myself did not come easily, but it did come.  I made decisions in the moment to step back and analyze, re-evaluate things, and not do anything drastic.  I was known for constantly changing my hair.  In the heat of my life changing, I made myself a 90-day promise – to not change my hair.  I needed something to be constant, something I could control, and that became my thing.  If in that 90 days any situation changed, then my 90 days started over.  I wound up not cutting my hair for over two years.  When I finally did cut my hair, it was cathartic.  It was finally letting go.

So much has happened in the last five years.  I cannot ever imagine [him] being a part of any of it.  To think that I ever held on to [his] opinion (and held on for so long) is silly and small. When I tell people that I know what God's grace looks like, it's  realizing what my life is NOT, and how blessed I am that God spared me (or closed the door in front of me) from that.

"This is what I know: we're all a volume on the shelf at the library, a story unto ourselves, never possibly described with one word or even very accurately with thousands…we are thickly layered, page lying upon page, behind simple covers. And love – it is not the book itself, but the binding. It can rip us apart or hold us together. A book is worthy of a strong embrace, but, too, you must be gentle with one. Careful in whose hands you put it. Layers, by their nature, are fragile things." – Deb Caletti

Why yes, I have missed you too....

I really have lost my ability to write.  It's so sad. I used to write early in the morning.  I seem to have clarity at that time each morning.  Also, I'd like to think I'm the funniest.  Unfortunately, I am not able to write at that time each day (SADNESS) and I haven't invested energy in finding another time that works for me consistently. 

UGH.

With that said, I feel like 4,287,301 have happened in my life that I really have not updated you on.  Right now, I have no idea what literary continuity would look like, so short paragraphs will have to cut the proverbial mustard for today.  :)

·        At the end of July, my church had a family VBS. SO MUCH FUN.  Three long days of hard work, but it gave me chance to see a different side of my church peeps (I love that they are multifaceted) as well as get to work directly for our super fun Children's Pastor.

·        I have a 16-year old at church that hits on me.  It's the funniest thing.  I point out (frequently) that I am old enough to be his Teen Mom.  I'm claiming that his sweet words are preparing me for how God wants my husband to treat me.  After FX (Family VBS), this guy left a comment on my facebook wall that said:

"The Word says, "Give drink to those who are thirst, and feed the hungry", how 'bout dinner?"  

I kid you not, I STILL laugh about that.  BEST. PICK-UP. LINE. EVER.

·        My friend Danielle got married on August 21.  Her wedding, (in spite of some feelings that crept up in me that I still can't rationalize), restored my faith in weddings.  In spite of the fact that I've been to 100+ weddings in the last decade, I'd gotten to the place where I felt like I didn't deserve one.  That sounds dumb, because it is.  Danielle was GORGEOUS, and I got my make-up done professionally, including false eyelashes.  I wish I could wear them everyday.  They're so fun!!

·        My fabulous college friends and I had our FOURTH reunion in as many years.  My dear friend Mike got engaged to his sweetheart Kristin and I am so stinkin' excited for them!  We had so much fun that weekend.  It never ceases to amaze me that even though we see each other once a year, we never miss a beat.  I love those people with my whole heart.  It's precious to see my friend Mike so happy and in love!  He's dated some interesting girls, but Kristin is the best!!!  So glad to welcome her and her son into the family!!

·        I'm officially leading high school Sunday School/Discipleship.  These teenagers crack me up.  We had 19 this past Sunday morning.  I can't wait to see what all God is going to do with them!!!

·        I got my second (and probably final) tattoo this past weekend.  It says "My Beloved" in Arabic, and it's directly below my first one.  I'm not going to lie… this thing HURT like a mug!!  It's still hilarious to me that I pulled my pants down and let some guy draw on my lower hip, and paid him!  Also, the running joke is that I have a UN Peace Treaty on my butt.  The friend I went to visit in Jordan was stateside for a few weeks and checked the language for me.  I love it, honestly.  I'm a teensy-weensy bit sad that my inks aren't in places that people can see regularly, but there's still such a stigma to tattoos.  

·        I've been think about Jordan a LOT these past few weeks.  As corny as this seems, I still can't believe I went.  I still can't believe I experienced it.  If it weren't for the pictures, I don't know if I'd believe it's real.  But with that said, there is something about it that I ache for deeply.  I miss Jordan.  

I know I have some funny stories, but they aren't coming to mind right now.  But this is what's been happening.  My life is full and fun and busy.  I don't get to see the babies as often as I'd like, but it's a season and I just have to be thankful for this season, instead of wishing it away.  It's also college football season (ROLL TIDE!). I'm moderating my addiction to Pinterest by devoting 5 minutes when I can, so that I don't feel guilty for missing something.  I'm trying (for the umpteenth time) to stick to a plan.  I envy people who can!  

I'm also rambling.  As you were…

Love,
Jenn

as of late...

somehow I have managed to neglect my little blog here.  oops.

Currently, it's 9:19pm.  I've just gotten home from a driving lesson/life session with the girl that my friends and I are helping.  Although I ate dinner less than 2 hours ago, I feel hungry.

Or maybe empty.

I'm not sure.

Such appears to be the season I'm in.  A season of such drastic change in my life that every afternoon is FULL.  My weeks are scheduled far in advance.  It's not just one event, it's six.  It's babies that need a bath.  It's their mother that needs to be affirmed and told that she is valued and loved.  It's friends that want quality time.  It's work that calls.  It's civic duty that I want to do.  It's church.  It's youth that need my undivided attention just to tell me silly things.  It's a sixteen year old hitting on me. (Strangely enough, I'm not even joking about that.)  It's family events.  It's wedding planning.  It's couponing. It's a public speaking event.  It's new training on my job. It's a little bit of everything.

And a body that wants to be weak and give in, but a conscious that can't sleep at night if I don't give it my all.

And then it's the coming home to an apartment that needs some attention, but that is ultimately empty.

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Today I had five minutes to re-read my Jordan journal.  I tried to process where I was at, somewhere in Petra, I think, when I realized how much I was begging God to change my life.

WOAH!! at the answered prayer.

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I wish I had some deep blog, but I don't.  I'm just living the life in front of me.  I'm still making changes for the future (and trust me, the next 90 days hold some unexpected changes no doubt), but I'm also trying to be flexible. Not my strong suit!

I'll try harder... :)

I have wanted to write this post for a few weeks but I honestly have no idea how to start. Any and all grammatical and literary coherence may be completely lost, but that's okay. :)


Six months ago, a precious friend of mine started couponing. My friend J. encouraged and taught all of us to coupon. In my heart, I started couponing to 1) save money and 2) be able to "bless my family in a way that was financially smart and give back a smidgen of what they'd given me. Over the course of the first few months, we (all) discovered that one of the cashiers we interacted with had been a high school classmate of J.'s. They really didn't interact and the cashier had assumed (for quite a few years) that J. was snooty. (Very much not the case.) J. began talking to this cashier and inviting her to church. Cashier informed us all of her large family -- she is 25, with 3 kids -- ages 3, 2, and 4 months.

sidenote: it was at this point that we all realized this was not some chance meeting. It's so funny how God does things when you least expect it and in ways that you least expect. Such is God. and THANK GOD.

I would love to put more details of cashier's life on the Internet, but I just can't... Her story is her story and I'm not going to detract from it. She's a statistic of sorts. If God doesn't move in a mighty way, her children will probably be statistics too.

Again, I want to tell you SO much more, but that's not the story... at least not for me.

In a way that I never imagined, God put three of the sweetest, funniest, snuggliest kids in my life and the lives of my girlfriends.

I know this is a crazy, broken-up blog post. Such is the state of my heart.

I've never in my life considered adoption. Different people are called to amazing things, but adoption has never been on my radar. But these kids?? They make me want to adopt all the children of the world.

My heart has never been shattered into so many pieces. And for the life of me, I can't tell you how God is supposed to put them back together. Or what my heart will look like when he does.

I had told my friends many times over the last few weeks that these babies make my uterus hurt. Every maternal instinct I have is on full throttle.

All I can do is love on these sweet babies. Kiss their cheeks. Squeeze them, tickle them, love them.

And they have turned my world upside down.

This is what happens when you sincerely pray for God to break your heart for what breaks His.

xoxo,
Me

freedom

I was looking at photos on my brother's computer tonight and found this.

Today, I stood in St. Paul's Church (Trinity Church) and looked at remnants left from 9/11.  I kind of felt unemotional about it all until I came to a display talking about cots that were set up in the church for emergency workers.  Something about seeing that empty cot stirred deep inside my heart.  

In the far corner of the church is a charred, empty fireman's uniform with an embroidered collar that says, "We will never forget".

Memorial Day weekend is always special to celebrate in New York City.  This is not my first.

But now, with Bin Laden dead, and the immenent 10th anniversary of the tragedy and heroism that occurred that fateful day, I can't help but find this weekend Extra Special.

Indeed, we will never forget.

It is for freedom, that we are free.

xoxo,
Jenn

inked.

(please excuse the horrible photography...)

For over 11 years, I've wanted to get a tattoo.

For the last five years, I've occassionally (read: more often than I should) drawn/written the word Love on my arm.

But this past Saturday, I got it inked on my back.

After this trip to the middle east, I wanted something to commemorate the trip that changed my life and messed me up in an incredible beautiful and wonderful way.

And for me, that meant something permanent!

LOVE,

Jenn

i am thankful...

(this is for those who don't subscribe to my new(er) blog...)
This time last year, I sat in a lobby of a hotel in New York City and watched a homeless man take off all his clothes, bathe himself, put on fresh clothes, and dispose of the old ones on a street corner.

I wish I could say that that image is long gone from my mind, but it's not.  And I kind of pray that it never leaves.

This morning, I've been reading my facebook newsfeed.  It seems that every person I'm friends with has posted some "Happy Thanksgiving" message of their own, most complete with what they're thankful for.  This makes my heart so full.

But I can' t help but think about that man.  Where is he this year?  Is he getting a good meal?  Where did he sleep last night?  Does anyone miss him?  Where is his family?

I can't help but think that the only thing separating him from me is a set of circumstances.  This year, I've seen how quickly circumstances can snowball and life can change so quickly that you don't have time to catch your breathe, much less figure out what's going on. 

So, this year, I'm thankful for THOUSANDS of things.  I'm thankful for you.  I'm thankful for God, and His mercy and love that I don't deserve... and yet, He pours out so generously, so new each day.  I'm thankful for my crazy, loud, they-drive-me-crazy-sometimes, wonderful family.  I'm thankful for my parents, all four of them.  I'm thankful for my brother.  I'm thankful for my step-sister and step-brothers, even though we are not close.  I'm thankful for my friends who became my family.  I'm thankful for my job, for food on the table, for clothes on my back, a warm place to sleep, an outlet for my emotions, and for freedom.

"I am thankful, that I'm incapable, of doing any good on my own" -- Caedmon's Call

"And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."  Eph 5:20



xoxo,

... to a new chapter.

I'd love to tell you that today was the day that I woke up thinking, Man! I should switch blogs!  And yet it wasn't.  But today? ... appears to be as good a day to do it anyway!

In case you're blind, all my posts are gone.  No, I did not delete them.  I apparently have some r***l* *r*e** people who ...  well they have ******* lives.  Fortunately for me, I've employed some kick-ass technology for more than a few years that makes this super-duper easy.

For those of you that emailed me, you should get an email shortly.  If you want to read my new blog? Leave a comment.  I'll contact you after I've done a complete screening, FBI style.

I kid.  Maybe.

Truthfully, I'm excited about a clean start.

All my Love,
Me